The Empty Plate
We’ve all heard the ‘Human Needs Alibi: He’s finishing a marathon shift, he hasn’t eaten since sunrise, and he’s one shower away from total collapse. In that moment, your empathy kicks in—you give him the space to decompress, tucking away your own excitement and that vulnerable wedding invite you were ready to share. But there is a thin, polished line between being a supportive partner and being a placeholder for his convenience. When 12:00 PM rolls around and the promised call is replaced by more silence, you realize that while he might be starving for a meal, you’re starving for consistency. And Honey, a fresh-milky-white French manicure and pedicure is a much better use of your time than waiting for a man to find his appetite for accountability.
What set me off began the evening before my trip to the salon when he left a thoughtful voice note advising he was finishing up with a client and he hadn’t eaten all day, so he was headed home to shower, eat, decompress, and he would call me before he retired, which was usually around 9 PM. Well, I returned the gesture and left a voice note acknowledging his hard day and that I looked forward to our call. I went ahead and decompressed myself before preparing dinner for my teenagers, showering, and crawling into bed. Nine o’clock came and went but I didn’t dwell on it; I figured he fell asleep. So, the next morning, my phone chimed with a voice note from him: “Good morning, Baby. Sorry I missed you yesterday. Know that I miss you and I will give you a call around 12 PM today. Have a great day, Baby!” I wasn’t impressed by the sweet nothings AT ALL. I thought to myself, “He could have just called this morning.” UGH. Why did he time-box himself once again? Now, I’m doubly irritated because my period tracker chimed and reminded me that Aunt Flo was T-2 days away. GGGRRR! I decided not to respond to his voice note and go about my day working remotely (I am a project manager) and to avoid watching my phone. I have to admit the later it got the more irritated I became because I felt my time was not being considered nor were my feelings. Did he really think he could just disappear and reappear and that was okay?
By 9 AM, I was on my way to the salon for an impromptu manicure and pedicure. I chose the milky-white French manicure and pedicure because of the low-key luxe impression, you know, not too loud, not too soft—just right. While at the salon, I made the conscious decision to remain ‘booked and busy’ with my work, my goals, and my interests. Unfortunately, he failed to make his self-imposed 12:00 PM deadline. So, when he called at 3:00 PM then texted later that afternoon, I was legitimately busy with work, but I strategically waited until after work before sending, “Hey, thanks for the notes and call. My schedule shifted so I wasn’t around at 12. I’m pretty wiped from work, so I’m heading offline for the night. Catch you later!”. Notice my response was devoid of emotion—no irritation, no sign of my heightened pre-menstrual feelings. Furthermore, by deploying silence, I allowed him forced self-reflection to sit with the fact that he was the one who flaked—twice. Lastly, silence protected me from saying something “reactive” that he could have dismissed as my being “dramatic.” Instead, I remained “polished,” which made the lesson impossible to ignore.
As of today, he has called twice and I’m not ready to chat just yet; he can squirm a bit longer. He was ‘starving’ for an excuse, but I was the one who actually sat down to eat. The truth is, consistency is the only seasoning that matters in the Inner Circle. If the plate is empty because he couldn’t find his calendar, don’t wait for the delivery. Get up, fix your hair, and realize that the most expensive thing on the menu is your time—and it is no longer complimentary.
